I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Actions speak louder than pants.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
