I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
