Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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