Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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