fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What a dumb baby whore.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
