Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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