i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
