I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My penis needs a shock collar
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
