The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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