i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk is not a location!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
