I just pynch a tree in the face
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
