So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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