I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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