So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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