ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
