I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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