yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
