he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
