I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
