I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
