Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
