I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
third nipple confirmed
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
