6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
