i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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