im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
