what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
