when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
