Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
