i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How's work?
Spinning.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
