you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
