It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
