I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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