I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
ok first of all what the fuck
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
