have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
