she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
