Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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