I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
