Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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