i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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