he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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