they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
