a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
