So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
