If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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