I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
