Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
