U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
