Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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