someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
