Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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