idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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