I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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