there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
