Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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