I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
