My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
