I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
